Readers, I am back. I know it has been a while.
The Ogre has been out of my life for a few years now. I still think about him, worrying in case I bump into him, either randomly, or pre-planned by him. I remember the threats to hurt me. Sometimes, I have nightmares – of him lurking in the back of my car, or throwing acid on my face – but then I remember that I have three restraining orders, and have no child or new husband that would cause him fury. I have to remind myself I am safe.
I started thinking back to my holiday with him to Thailand. As he never paid anything towards our home or life, he had a lot of money, and enjoyed annual holidays to Thailand, sometimes with his mother. One day, he said his mother wanted me to go too. I know what you are thinking. That doesn’t sound bad. Even sounds nice, right? But I started worrying – because I knew him. He wasn’t nice. I wondered where this sudden benevolence was coming from. He had never bestowed me with such generosity before.
We flew down and he told me on the plane that his mum would not be coming and I should not tell her that I have accompanied him as this would enrage her. (I had longed stopped questioning why a husband and wife going on holiday would upset her and had learnt to accept this behaviour).
When we arrived there, it was late and dark. He took me to a remote and closed down resort which was ‘under renovation.’ He said his friend gave him ‘a deal.’ There was not a single soul around and I feared for my life. After ten minutes, he said he has to pop out to ‘see my friend.’ He then left. I sat in the bedroom completely alone, isolated, and wondering where he had gone. He had no friends. No one that he had ever mentioned.
I messaged my sister and my friends to keep myself calm and waited. Every noise startled me. After 2 hours, he came back and got into bed without a word.
I still wonder sometimes where he went and what other secrets he was hiding. I also wonder whether there were suppressed secrets at the root of his behaviour.
Who Fucked Me? 