The Third Suspect: The Dominating and Deranged Mother in Law (DDM)

Like many men, my ex husband had a very strange relationship with his mother. She was not much older than him, as she had got married at a young age, and they would both proudly tell stories about being mistaken for husband and wife. They were incredibly close – worryingly so – but he was simultaneously terrified of her.

I first realised there was something peculiar about my in-laws the day after my wedding, when my father in law ran around the house, drunk out of his mind, waving a knife about at his wife. I watched from the banisters on the stairs and in that moment, it dawned on me that I had somehow managed to marry into a home which was far more dysfunctional than the one I had tried to escape – no mean feat. In fact, I would go as far as to say, it made my house look fairly normal. I was told by my ex husband that they were only pretending to stay together and had conspired to present a united front until their son was married when they had, in fact, separated long ago. My father in law had even remarried a couple of times. Two days later, my father in law moved abroad and was never heard from again.

After his exit, my mother in law took charge of the house and this meant she now controlled all aspects of her home, including her grown up children’s lives…including mine too. And her technique to get her own way was fascinating. When she was upset, particularly if anything happened against her wishes, she used to lock herself in a room and pretend she was killing herself. I now understand that my ex husband’s habit of pathologically lying, even about the most mundane things, stemmed from this deranged mothering. He was so afraid of upsetting her that he learnt to lie about anything and everything to please her. Both children had become immune to this behaviour and hardly reacted to these episodes, but had learnt not to rock the boat to avoid any of ‘mamma’s meltdowns’. 

I have tried to erase most of the traumatic things she did to me from my memory (like the time she sneaked into my husband’s bed and made me get out – but I will save that story for another day); but one of my earliest memories that still scars me to this day is when my mother in law did not let me go to the airport to say goodbye to my parents who were returning to England after my wedding. She didn’t have anything against them per se; it was all about narcissistic control. My ex husband did not want to cause her distress by asking her and begged me to just say goodbye on the phone. I realised almost immediately that I had made a tragic mistake but kept thinking that when I would get back to England, back to home, things would work out. I just had to survive this brief blip. I also felt sorry for him and told myself I was only in this house for a short period of time. But it was a difficult compromise to make, particularly when I heard the disappointment in my mother’s voice – almost accusatory at her daughter’s pathetic helplessness and submission.  

“So, you’re not coming?” she asked.

“I can’t,” I cried.

I don’t think I have ever forgiven myself for not standing up to my mother in law that day.