The Seventh Suspect: S (The Saint, aka, the mother)

I love my mum more than words can say. She is genuinely the kindest human I know. In fact, she is so kind that often people who don’t know her well think there must be a hidden side, or some element of duplicity; surely no one can be that kind. If a neighbour was to need a kidney, she would sincerely tell him (or her) that she has plenty of spare ones, and he or she could easily have hers. That’s who we are dealing with. So let me explain why she has even made this shortlist:

Asian mothers are complicated. They would do anything to ensure their child is well-fed, well-clothed and well-loved. BUT, at the same time, they also do EVERYTHING to ensure their daughters, and particularly their daughters’ hymens, are well-protected. Yes, I am generalising, so let me specify that this was certainly my experience as the daughter of a Pakistani mother.

I am struggling to identify or pinpoint a particular incident, or conversation that told me sex was dirty or wrong. It is not like I was ever sat down and informed, ‘DON’T HAVE SEX. IT IS TABOO.’ But that is certainly the impression I got. More likely, it was a series of events that led to this ideology. For example, overhearing conversations about other people’s daughters who had brought shame to their families by getting pregnant (evidence that they had been fornicating), or being told random ‘facts’ like it was wrong to insert a tampon inside a vagina, because it may mean I am not a virgin anymore. This emphasis on virginity being sacred and any touching of it or damage to it being a sacrilegious offence did come from my mum. She, in turn, had been told this by her mother, and thus generations of Asian daughters, denied themselves the ability to feel and partake in sexual pleasure for the fear of upsetting societal obsession with female sexuality.

I love my mother with every fibre of my soul. But I do sometimes wonder if her way of feeling shame and telling me off every time she heard the words, ‘period’, ‘vagina’, or ‘sex’ bears any relation to my vagina’s refusal to play the game today.