I first sat down to tell my ex-husband I wanted a divorce after five years of being trapped in a sexless and loveless marriage. I remember we sat on a little round table and had the discussion. I explained we were very different, we wanted different things and I wasn’t happy. He said he wasn’t happy either. Relieved, I said that if we both are not happy then surely the best thing for both of us would be to file for divorce?
He looked at me and smiled. An odd reaction, I thought at first. But some people smile when they are nervous or sad, so I put it to one side. It almost came as a surprise, despite all of his horrific behaviour over the years, when he told me there was no way he would ever divorce me and if I tried he would throw acid on my face, rape my sister and murder my parents. What’s more, he continued. He would never let me move on. If I ever remarried and had a child, he would murder my baby too.
I listened in horror. If I’m honest, I was numb. Gradually, I learned to stay numb and go through the motions of serving food and paying bills on repeat. I withdrew into my shell and became introverted. As a child, I was vivacious and full of exuberance. Each year, the marriage drained all the joy from me, leaving me wandering around lifeless and soulless. I started going to bed at 8pm merely to avoid his existence. I spent every special day, Valentines’ Day, News Years Eve etc sleeping, just to avoid facing the reality of my situation. If my friends or family members tried to talk to me and convince me to leave him, I blocked the conversation and refused to talk to anyone about it. I just said he would never leave. I never told anyone about the threats.
And even if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. The Ogre had stolen our marriage certificate and hidden it. We never registered the marriage in UK so my only evidence of it had been taken away from me. There was no way out.
Who Fucked Me? 
3 replies on “Suspect O (Ev 21)”
I just went through all 21 of your entries in one sitting. You told your story so vividly I couldn’t stop reading. Although I plan to consider new information in future posts, my provisional answer to your question is: everyone. I’m so glad you’ve escaped the worst and found some peace.
What makes your story truly powerful is how it captures in amplified form the resonance of this sort of experience in so many women’s lives. My own story doesn’t have quite the same level of horror or exploitation, but a few years ago I began to see that I’d been treated as a dispenser of what people needed or wanted by almost everyone around me, beginning with my parents when I was a very small child–and I’m a white American, living in one of the most privileged countries on the planet. As I came to grips with how I’d been treated, I noticedt a fair number of women led similar lives.
There are too many who rush to assure us that what we’ve experienced can’t be true, that family, friends, partners must still really care about us, in spite of the evidence, or even claim we only gave what we properly owed. It’s also easy for those lucky enough to have been loved and cared for to judge those of us who’ve been used as vending machines because we didn’t seem to resist hard enough, but what they fail to understand is that we often don’t realize we’re not seen as people by the takers until we point out how much we’re struggling and receive no sympathy, or try to withhold what we can no longer give and are met with manipulation and threats.
I hope you find joy in the future.
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This comment genuinely made my day. For you to take the time to leave such a heart-felt, detailed response, means so much to me. I’m sorry that you suffered from similar feelings of being exploited and taken for granted. No one deserves to be treated like that. Keep reading!
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I hope you can find peace in the future. I’d say don’t worry at 39 you’re still at a good age. You still have a long future ahead of you. You can still make friends and do the things you love like writing poetry. You can still find someone nice to be with if that what you want and if you don’t that’s your choice. My mom will be 51 this year most of that time trapped inside a relationship with someone who was never a good match for her. I don’t think my father was anywhere near as bad as yours but it’s clear she never was happy with him. He still holds a grudge to this day about her not paying his mortgage when he lost his job in the 2008 financial crisis. Don’t be my mother. You’re divorced but you still have the rest of your life ahead of you. The guy who played Indiana Jones got his first major role in his 40s. Vera Wang designed her first dress at 40. Go and pursue your dreams now that you’re free. You have a long and healthy life ahead of you. The author of one of my favorite anime’s (beserk) died three months ago. I’m not a woman but I can say your blog inspired me a lot I hope you keep updating so we get to know what happens in your current life and what you’re doing now.
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